Starting Over Again ........

I feel ... hell all I do is FEEL , I have a heart that is WAY too big for this world and the people in my life.
 seems like ALL I ever do .... IS FEEL . I hate it . I wish I could be cold, or atleast not care as much as I do . I cant understand why everyone else doesent Have the care or see what I see, sometimes I think i am not meant to be here, and I dont matter. depression, and Alone. I am so sick of having to FEEL. that is why I have been a addict for so many years... To Not have to Feel, or Deal. I just say fuck it , and dont deal with what is right here ready to be dealt with and finished. I cant seem to shut the care off, and even when I was high, It was still a burning hole that I could never get high enough to not feel . I am disapointed in myself, even now, sober, single, indapendent, I should be happy for myself, thier were years I Never thought I could be on my own, much less EVER live alone. I now have been alone in my own apt 6 years now. I SO want to be married, and in love, and share my life with my soulmate . I am in love with a man, I am dreaming he is the one, and woishing for our future, he now is saying he wants to live with me, move away from here, and start a life together. I SO want that . and then I am afraid, i am afraid he will lie again, cheat again, then I loose, I loose everything I have worked for within myself the last 6 years,. I have alot of material things, most are just that material items, that I dont really care' about, then thiers the what if' , I think thier is Always a Ending .. He has a mom, and a back door to run threw if things go wrong, I dont. I am all on my own . I am scared to death and I have to put my heart and faith in someone I do trust and love, but also someone that has hurt me deeply and more than anyone ever has .......... Then thier are my boys, I love them with ALL my heart they are my life. But I cant seem to be the mother I want to be. I have a shitty past, A bad childhood, But that gives me NO right to not be all that I can be as a mom to my sons. I cant wait to be a grandmother, I want the innocence of a baby in my life, I love caring for a newborn, Its so innocent and sweet and makes me happy to know I can feed it , clean it , and love it , then watch as it sleeps happy , healthy, and in a good home. WHY cant I get that from my teenage boys, I love them, I love caring for them, but then they are so grown, and indapendent , its so hard to know thier not my babys' anymore, even thow in my heart they always will be. enough for now, I will revise and edit this .......Later.